Me and A.M

Silly thoughts of awkward conversation inside my head

It is normally happen to most of the wondering head out there sometimes, portray about something they like and do make their own scenario inside their head peacefully, hoping something good would happen as much as their thoughts could possibly imagine. Even though it's slightly difficult nor it is very difficult to be true. 

Sebuah ide

Ini sangat bodoh mengingat caraku melukiskan sesuatu tentang seseorang yang ku pikir sangat berlebihan namun aku tidak pernah merasa kenyang dengan ide itu sendiri. Seperti kecanduan?
Tetapi anehnya adalah, terkadang diriku  merasa aneh,  takut, gelisah,  juga senang menyatu menjadi satu setiap kali aku memikirkan tentang ide itu.
Aku tidak berfikir ide ini adalah cinta.
Yang jelas ini sangat aneh.
Apa yang bisa mendeskripsikan sesuatu seperti halnya diriku takut untuk berbicara kepada orang tersebut namun desakan hati memang tidak bisa dipungkiri, bahwa aku ingin?
Disisi lain, aku tidak ingin berbicara dengannya sekalipun karna aku takut menyesali apa yang sudah aku katakan?

Hati bergejolak. Terkadang aku berfikir ide ini tidak seharusnya ada.
Apa daya, aku memang tertarik kepadanya.
Itu tidak bisa dituntaskan.
Aku meyakinkan diriku ini bukan cinta. Bukan, ini bukan tentang ide itu.
Tetapi apa? 

Aku masih mencari tahu.

Terus aku memikirkan tentang seseorang itu, dan ide yang menyertainya.
Aku kagum...

Ternyata aku kagum!
Semua ide ini adalah kekaguman terhadap orang itu!
Bagaimana ide kekaguman ini adalah hal yang tepat dalam mendeskripsikan hal-hal yang aku rasakan?
Karna jika ini hanya ide tentang kekaguman saja, mengapa terlalu banyak percakapan dalam lukisan yang aku buat dalam pikiran?
Ada sedikit kekhawatiran jika orang itu membenci diriku, tidak menyukaiku, dan tidak menganggapku.
Ini harapan...

Ternyata aku menyimpan sebuah harapan terhadapnya!
Lalu apa yang bisa mendeskripsikan sesuatu seperti ini?

Ide ini seharusnya tidak ada.
Ini sangat kompleks, tapi aku sangat menyukai segala hal tentang ide ini.

Too hurt to be true.

I'm feeling down. I just wanna talk to no one, but God. I can't trust people lately, they're too cruel.
I just want to be alone, in the place somewhere out. When no ones dares to talk to me, no one would explain something I can't understand, no one could ever come to me, even leave me.

Nothing but alone.

People are just too cruel if you're true.
People are just too cruel if you're fight.
People are just too cruel if you're perfect.
People are just too cruel if you're a lover.

I wont guessing or wondering.
I just feeling down.
I can't understand people. Or I just can't understand myself?

A letter to hate

I can make my own world.

Who are you and who am I?
You are you, and so do I.

People hates,
People loves,

I can tell you the truth,
that peoples hate you.

We are not diffrent at all,
It just me that wasn't tall.

I just can keep myself down,
to remind me I'm on the ground.

You can spread the world who you are,
but you can't tell us who we are.

Nah! She's Good!!!

At the night she saw him on the social media,
she just wondering,
"What if I text him and ask him about something that I curious at a few days ago..."
so she just did.

Drama.

In odd moments, people just need drama in their life.
to feel how to feel.
to see what to see.
to say what to say.

life is getting dry.
Need something to fill the gap.
Although eventually it only feel peculiar.
It's okay, somewhile we need exaggeration.
The excessive which is not excessive.
Life needs something that is albeit not substantial and necessary sometimes.

And sometimes people just cannot feel something.
Because they're too busy.
Busy with their passiveness.
Doing nothing.
People became monotonous.
Emotions die.
Became a dead Soul.

Insanity or a joke?

I'm capturing my self
as a happy imaginary child
who is always live in her own fantasy
and sunk...
there's no way out
Immersed in the beauty of fantasy scenarios of live
which probably wouldn't happen

I'm capturing my self
as a gorgeous model
who is always act like a pro
but just in the front on the mirror
just swank, feel like 10 feet tall from the ground...
but then I realized, I'm just 5 feet tall
what am I kidding?

I'm capturing my self
as a duff
I am my only duff
I am a duff of my self

look, I am a best friend of my self
I love talking to my self
looking into the mirror doing a crazy things
and laughs...
well okay, my mirror is my 2nd best friend.
like "hey look! who's that pretty lil lady standing in front of you? yeah it's you!"
I am me who only one can tell........
I even tell my self to listen carefully.

This is insane
how I look at myself

My life is just about expecting things,
wondering whats going on next,
what a bad thing can happen and mostly joke.
yes. a joke.

The "don't know" person

Somehow I just feel torn apart. What they're searching for in this cruel world?
I mean, that fancy things? a luxury life? for being famous?
I didn't see anything. I can't get enough for any explanation.
what do you know about this world?
Because I know nothing.
And I'm going to ask you...
What are you searching for in this life?
What you going to do?
What can you give?
What you can do?
What can you teach and share with?
Do your step is certain?
Who do you love?
I'm so sorry for being so serious.
I don't know why there's is so many question, but I think yeah... this is the question of life.
I do understand somehow, but more don't. I don't know what I'm going to do, I don't even understand what I can't understand. I don't get my mind. I can't reach anything... probably.
hahaha I feel so numb and dumb. I think I lost myself.
I don't even know what love is, because too many tears have had to fall and I'm so tired of it all. I don't wanna talk that much about love. Because yeah... I know nothing. So much people come and leave, and I'm not surprised. I'm more surprise when they stay.
I feel the chaos. More regard but not speak.
Whether this turmoil? but I don't think I'm going try to deny, I better learn to accept that all.
hahaha this is just a part of my life.
I do not know, if I'm really distressed? or I am who already making it the distressed? it's so funny.
I can't wait when I realized about Life or Love is...
Time will tell me about anything.
Maybe I am who is trying to find out what the real meaning of life. And looking toward life that has not been fixed. I realized that I'm just 19th, OMG.
Oh yeah, but age doesn't matter. They're just a row of numerical values. But, oh yeah I'm still highly young, maybe God will give me a chance and show me something, feel, and gives me a sense of life. Who's role within it? Surely have been written in the line of my destiny. Including my soul mate.
ooohhhh, C'mon!Time for REVOLUTIONS.
Be brave! Be happy! Leave the past! This is the Cheerful day! Yeayyyy time to meet a new people!

Monochrome

It just turning black and white.

All I saw into a limited space viewpoint.

I wish I could be that one.

Cheerful, jovial, and bright.

I don't know whats happening over here.

You know whats the meaning all of this things?

Revolutions?

Indications?

I became monochrome.

Monotonous from left to right.

It's all black and white inside.

bloody hell! it's not feels right.

Why brains?

Im just going to write something. I didnt know right. Maybe this is just another way to make my bombs, I mean my dirty mind or just my burning head explode.
But well, it probably works. And now! Im gonna start to write it down...

This begins with an object that I want to achieve, which I like, even that I hate.
I always love to think about something great, making a good scenario between I and my outreach on my fuckin brains. Sometimes I just loose control and just forget about the real life and reality. It could be say that i was fell in love with my own fantasy and everything on it.
I dont know, I just cant stop and handle it. I almost doin this all the time and i dont even know too if its bring me to a good or a bad effects.

Sometimes I think I probably should go to psychiatrist. Time is killin me. I keep growin up. And I just cant...
Sometimes I even confused the way of what should I choose. Theres so many people who gave me an advice, but more are not able to guide. Im so sick...